The Abridged Script

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written by

Alex W., Chris W., and Lachlan R.

Movie:

This edit combines the Theatrical and somewhat newly released Editor's Cut as well as some shots from the trailers to create the longest possible cut of Spider-Man 3. Differences from the Editor's Cut to the Hybrid Cut. Well, for making me think about Spider-Man 3 you die now. (flash-fries Logan) Looks like you get his punch-tech glove, Bokeem. Congrats on becoming less than half as powerful as Chloe Bennett. TOM and JACOB meet up in SHOP CLASS. I recovered this glowy alien energy device after the fight! Spider-Man 3 Editor's Cut - Black Suit Swinging (DELETED SCENE) - Duration: 0:46. Slim5000 744,499 views. RASPUTIN - Vladimir Putin - Love The Way You Move (Funk Overload) @slocband.

July 26, 2017

The Editing Room

https://the-editing-room.com/s#hbbtq

FADE IN: Download rootkit for android lollipop.

EXT. NEW YORK, NEAR AVENGERS TOWER - 2012

Scrap salvage guy MICHAEL KEATON and his SCRAPPY CREW are salvaging scrap.

MICHAEL KEATON

We hit the jackpot boys! That alien invasion may have rained down death and destruction but it also created tons of jobs for working stiffs like us! The satisfied smirk on my face is completely appropriate!

TYNE DALY

(arriving)

Everyone listen up! We're Marvel's Damage Control and we're possibly setting up our own TV series, so we're in charge now.

MICHAEL KEATON

Really?! You know Agents of SHIELD is barely afloat and Powerless got cancelled faster than fuck, right?

TYNE DALY

Yes really! However, since we're all pulling together in the wake of this tragedy and we're bankrolled by the infinity dollars of DowneyCorp, allow me to cut you guys a check in compensation for all you've invesHAHAHAHAHAHA no really you can all fuck off and die.

MICHAEL KEATON

(aside)

Goddammit, I've lost my business, my livelihood, and my savings. All I have left is a crateload of super-advanced alien technology worth a fortune on the black market. What to do..

(thinks)

(thinks)

(thinks)

BOKEEM WOODBINE

What if we sold the-

MICHAEL KEATON

THAT'S IT! We'll sell alien scrap illegally, and I'll make a robot wing suit to get even MORE alien scrap! I shall become.. BIRDMAN!!

BOKEEM WOODBINE

You did that already.

MICHAEL KEATON

Oh yeah. Batman? Shit, did that twice. What flying Marvel villains are still available?

BOKEEM WOODBINE

How about Vulture?

MICHAEL KEATON

Sure. I shall become.. THE VULTURE! Sounds good. So good I will never use that name all movie. BWAH HA HA HA

CUE: MARVEL STUDIOS LOGO WITH ORCHESTRAL CLASSIC SPIDEY THEME, WELL THAT WAS SWEET BUT TIME TO DITCH THAT FOR A BRAND NEW THEME, DON'TCHA THINK? YES OF COURSE

INT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.'S LIMO -- EIGHT YEARS LATER -- WHAT REALLY? SO THIS IS THE YEAR 2020 NOW?? THAT'S WEIRD BUT HEY, IT'S YOUR CINEMATIC UNIVERSE DUDE

TOM HOLLAND is showing his HOME MOVIE of CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR to ROBERT.

TOM HOLLAND

Apparently I'm smart enough to create synthetic webbing with the tensile strength of Hulk's clenched ass cheeks but I can't figure out how to film in widescreen. I'll remember next time though, promise!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look kid, I know you've just had a taste of the big time, but you need to squash that all down and be happy with your small-scale, mundane existence. As a teenager you should have NO problem taking the long view and seeing the bigger picture, right?

TOM HOLLAND

Don't worry, I can be patient SO WHAT'S THE NEXT MISSION?!? IS IT INFINITY WAR? BLACK PANTHER? UNTITLED AVENGERS MOVIE 2019?? FUCK THE SCHEDULE CAN WE DO ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW PLEEEEASE

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

How about, let's do a quick alibi video for your aunt.

(into camera)

Hi Marisa Tomei! You sure are fuckable, I'm so hard right now! Ha ha ha. I'm in a serious longterm relationship.

INT. SUPER ETHNICALLY DIVERSE HIGH SCHOOL

TOM goes about his regular school day, keeping a low profile by MIXING WEB-GOOP AT HIS DESK and LIFTING UP ROWS OF SCHOOL LOCKERS HOPING NOBODY HAPPENS TO ROUND A CORNER.

TONY REVOLORI

Hey Tom you loser! Check it out, I'm the new 'Flash' Thompson! Since I'm playing a bully I put on 60 pounds for this role, bringing me to a grand total of 72 pounds.

JACOB BATALON

Hey Tom my BFF! How about we meet up later to build my new Star Wars™ Lego™ Death Star™ which you can purchase for the low low cost of wait $500 DOLLARS?! JESUS CHRIST! Am I holding down three jobs?

ZENDAYA

You guys are so lame. I wouldn't be caught dead with either of you dorks, what the hell am I even doing here? Oh right, Disney.

After school TOM stops by his favourite BODEGA.

BODEGA OWNER

Hey, Tommy! How's that hot piece of ass Marisa Tomei doing? I'd sure like to fuck her! I can't resist the way she pulls her pants aaallll the way up, oh yeah!

TOM HOLLAND

Is this really the best use of Marisa Tomei we could come up with?

TOM changes into SPIDER-TOM and thwips around town causing random MINOR PROPERTY DAMAGE until--

SPIDER-TOM

Oh kewl, those guys are robbing an ATM with advanced alien tech! Finally, a chance to cause MAJOR property damage!!

SPIDER-TOM leaps into action and almost WINS before the alien tech OBLITERATES HIS FAVOURITE BODEGA!

SPIDER-TOM

Oh crap! I was so focused on winning the fight, I didn't stop to think how that alien gun could go off wildly and endanger innocent bystanders!! Well I won't make that mistake a SECOND time! Certainly not on a ferry, THAT'S for sure!

INT. TOM'S ROOM

TOM slowly crawls into his room along the ceiling, and just when you think they probably filmed the whole scene upside-down so big whoopdie-doo, he drops to the FLOOR and finds-

JACOB BATALON

(dropping his Star Wars™ Lego™ Death Star™ in shock)

OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE SPIDEY-TOM!!!!

TOM HOLLAND

What? No! I'll prove it by stripping almost naked and showing off my muscles, for already the second time! Hey did you know Peter Parker's supposed to be 15 in this movie? Chris Hansen alert!

MARISA TOMEI

(appearing)

You kids horsing around with no clothes again? I guess everyone's expecting me to make a gay joke here, but instead I'll be a cool understanding adult and not some James Woods asshole so cliche averted!

INT. RESTAURANT

TOM and MARISA have gone out for THAI LARB which is TOTES gonna be the new SHAWARMA, yep, any minute now.

MARISA TOMEI

You've barely said anything all day. Yes, we're all relieved that we skipped over the spider-bite and Uncle Ben death rather than go through it all YET AGAIN, but it feels like the writers forgot to give us new things to talk about.

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WAITER

(arriving)

This dessert is on the house, because I'd really like to fuck Marisa. Hey babe, you wanna know what ELSE cums with great power?

(winks)

TOM HOLLAND

OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY, geez.

INT. SCHOOL -- GYM CLASS

GYM COACH HANNIBAL BURRESS who is ALSO being used to his full potential plays a VIDEO for the students.

CAPTAIN CHRIS EVANS

(on video)

Hey kids! So, you want to make a big successful superhero movie. Don't forget, superheroes are fun! Movies about them should probably contain at least a bit of something that is fun. Colours are also fun, don't be afraid to have more than two colours in your entire movie!

TOM and JACOB are doing FLOOR MAT EXERCISES when they notice TOM'S secret crush LAURA HARRIER and her friends doing SITTING AROUND CHATTING EXERCISES, including a round of FUCK-MARRY-KILL involving THOR, IRON MAN, and HULK.

LAURA HARRIER

Eww, why is 'fuck Hulk' even an option? Anyway, my crush is on Spider-Man, so whatevs.

JACOB BATALON

(blurting out)

TOM KNOWS SPIDERMAN!!! ALSO HE WOULD FUCK ULTRON MARRY GROOT AND KILL IRON FIST BECAUSE THAT SHOW BLEW CHUNKS

LAURA HARRIER

Neat! Hey, I jus

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